It’s week 14! If you are just finding us (welcome!) you can find all of the other challenges here. Make sure to log on The Blog Frog to talk about this week’s challenge! If you aren’t a member it’s free and easy!

Josh has a reading log that we fill out each day. He has to read 100 minutes a week. No problem. We love to read at our house! So he picked out his first book (one that he hasn’t read yet. Yes, my child has discovered that in order to rack up lots of quick AR points he can take tests on books he’s already read from last year.).

He chose Danny the Champion of the World by Roald Dahl. Needless to say in two nights he said he was finished with the book. I asked him “Are you sure you read it all and not just bits and pieces?” “Yep.” “And you are ready for your AR test?” “Yep.”

He said he read it. He reads in the living room so I had seen him reading it. But did he really finish the entire book in 2 30 minute sessions (plus whatever time he was reading in bed underneath the covers with a flashlight. Yes, Josh, you got caught, again.) So I told him, “If you get a 100% on your AR test you can have an extra 15 minutes of video game time. Now are you sure you are ready to take the test?” “Yep.”

So did I bribe my child or reward my child? I think I suppose you could say I bribed him to do well. I don’t think I did. I think I offered an incentive to do well. I rewarded his hard work with video game time. (He got a 100% by the way! Woo hoo! Josh really loved this book in case you couldn’t tell so if you have a child around 4th grade it might be a good one to add to your library list!)

What about those desperate times in the grocery store where we say “If you behave I’ll buy you some M&M’s when we check out.” Bribe? Or reward?

I think as parents we really need to look at the two and decide which are we doing. Your child learns (sometimes too quickly) how to get what they want. They learn what buttons to push, what behaviors to do, how to ask, and sometimes who to ask.

Take the store for example. If your child is not having a very good day and you tell him/her I’ll get you some candy if you behave. The child has 2 options. Behave and get candy. Not behave and (hopefully) not get candy. Next time you go to the store the child will remember, hey I got candy here. But if your child isn’t going in kicking and screaming you probably aren’t going to say behave and I’ll buy candy. You probably won’t even thinking about it. You get to the check out line, the child asks for candy and you say no not today. And the child starts throwing a fit. After all they just behaved in the store. Last time they were naughty and you had to remind them; this time they did it all on their own! You and your child leave the store angry. What did you just teach your child? You taught them – misbehave and then you can have a chance to get the candy! You just rewarded your child

Children need rules. Parents need to set these rules and expect the rules to be followed. That’s why they are called expectations. Your child shouldn’t be rewarded for doing something they should have done in the first place!

“Clean your room and I’ll buy you a video game.” You are basically telling your child “If you let your room get dirty enough, fight with her about cleaning it she will get fed up eventually. And then she will offer really cool things for you to do something you should have done weeks ago. Otherwise you are going to have to clean your room each week, earn an allowance and save up the money to buy that $50 game you want. Take your pick.” You raised a smart kid. Which option do you think they will chose?

Here are my definitions for bribing and rewarding because sometimes it’s hard to know which one you are doing!
Bribing – offering your child something for doing something/acting a certain way. Usually bribing happens out of desperation and frustration. And USUALLY the bribe is for something the child should do/act anyways. Often is rewarding a negative behavior.
Rewarding – offering your child something for a job well done

Rewards don’t have to cost money! Rewards can be praise, hugs, kisses & high fives! I think it is so important to reward kids. Josh had to take his AR test anyways. But he rocked it and so he earned extra video game time. Looking back I wish I would have established this rule prior to the first book being read, but I didn’t. Now he knows. Working hard on AR points = extra video game time.

We do set up a system for report cards. A’s = $10 B’s = $5. Is this bribing him to get good grades? He should do that anyways right? If at your job your boss offers you a bonus if you meet a certain sales goal – is that a bribe or an incentive? See the line between the two can be tricky! (If anyone is curious, I believe our system is truly an incentive. C’s = $0 D’s = -$5 F’s = -$10. Josh works hard all year because he doesn’t want to owe us money at the end of each 9 weeks!)

So the challenge this week is to look at your motives. If you hear yourself saying the words “If you do this, then I will do that.” Stop. Are you bribing your child? Are you teaching your child that they will get rewarded for negative behavior? If you have been bribing your child for a while and your child is used to only wanting to do things when there is a reward know that this is a hard habit to break! Stick with it!

Reward your children. Don’t bribe them.

Join us over at The Blog Frog to talk about it! I’d love to hear your thoughts!