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The Mom Challenge: Week 18 How to NOT raise a Bully
Have you ever done something and then all of a sudden things around you just seem to click? That has been me lately with my Raising Bully Proof Kids post! Just real quick and then we will get on with the Mom Challenge! I wrote last week’s article on bully proofing your children and that afternoon my son came home and told me he wasn’t allowed to play on the jungle gym (are they still called jungle gyms?) at recess. There was a bully. Uh oh. What timing I thought. A quick email to his teacher and thankfully it’s been taken care of.
I went on to Bloggy Con where I met an AWESOME group of guys who have started this amazing children’s book company called Neon Tiki Tribe. You have to check them out – positive books that are fun to read. Plus they are written in a new font called dyslexie which is made for kids with dyslexia. It makes the books easy to read! How cool. Anyways they wanted to give me a book. It was on, you guessed it bullies. (In the story the girl becomes a hero and stands up for kids getting bullied. Great book – it even has discussion points in the back to help discussions!) I told him about the Mom Challenge and how I just wrote about bullies. He said you know it’s anti-bully month right? Noooo. I didn’t! How crazy. Talk about good timing!
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And last week I told you that the second part of our Bully Proof Mom Challenge was how to NOT raise a bully. And I got a tweet from Ellen (ok so she didn’t send it to JUST me it was to everyone – I wish Ellen would tweet me!) about this You Tube Video concerning a news anchor who confronts her bully. So I watched it last night and I thought to myself – Oh my gosh! That’s what I was going to talk about tomorrow!! J So maybe the coincidences are cool only to me (probably) but I had to share! And you should most definitely check out the You Tube video. It really is wonderful.
But here we go. The Mom Challenge – week 18. How to NOT raise a bully. (If you want to see all of the other challenges please click here.)
I know that no one wants to think of our child as a bully. It’s hard. And a lot of the discussion about bullying comes to as how to protect our kids from bullies so this week I wanted to talk about how to prevent your child from doing the bullying.
First of all I want to make this crystal clear:
Just because your child does something wrong it does not mean that you have failed as a parent.
In fact, in my opinion, if your child does something wrong – whether it is bullies another child, cheats on a test, steals a pack of gum from a store, or whatever – and you are alert to the problem and fix it then you are one of the best parents in the world. Good parenting is opening our eyes – seeing that sometimes our kids aren’t doing what they are supposed to do, correcting the behavior and teaching our child to make amends for it. I’m a firm believer in teaching your child not only the correct behavior but also to take responsibility for their actions and make up for it. They can do that by (sincerely!) apologizing, returning that pack of gum, or helping others.
Moving on.
You’ve heard someone say “they only said that because they are jealous” or “they are just trying to make themselves feel better.” It’s true! Studies have shown that kids who bully other kids usually suffer from negative views of themselves. They are also at a higher risk for psychological problems, substance abuse and delinquency. Not that this gives people an excuse for mean behavior! However it does take me into way # 1 that we can NOT raise a bully.
1. Teach your child about respect, empathy and confidence! Talk to your children. Hang out with your children. The more you time the better.
And while you are with your child spending all kinds of time building with legos, riding bikes or playing Barbies make sure you are setting a good example! We live in a bully society. It blows my mind how adults can bully each other and then they act completely at a loss as to why our children act that way. Our children have picked it up from us – the parents. It’s all around them and unfortunately for some it’s normal. Are you setting a good example?
Look at things like road rage, fighting with your spouse, the music that you have on in your home/car, the television shows and video games your child sees, the jokes you and your husband/friends talk about. Do you see someone at the store as say “What is she wearing? She can’t possibly think that looks good.” Or catch yourself talking about your work day “he asked a million questions today at the meeting. Honestly, the guy is just in idiot.” Or yelling “learn how to drive!!!” You don’t have to say these things directly to the person – and you could just be talking out loud – but if your kids hear it think about how it transcends to them.
You don’t have to like everyone and everything. But you DO need to respect everyone (and their property!). Just like in the You Tube video that the news anchor pointed out. It’s none of anyone’s business to point out to her about her weight. And maybe that lady at the store loves what she is wearing.
Look at things like road rage, fighting with your spouse, the music that you have on in your home/car, the television shows and video games your child sees, the jokes you and your husband/friends talk about. Do you see someone at the store as say “What is she wearing? She can’t possibly think that looks good.” Or catch yourself talking about your work day “he asked a million questions today at the meeting. Honestly, the guy is just in idiot.” Or yelling “learn how to drive!!!” You don’t have to say these things directly to the person – and you could just be talking out loud – but if your kids hear it think about how it transcends to them.
You don’t have to like everyone and everything. But you DO need to respect everyone (and their property!). Just like in the You Tube video that the news anchor pointed out. It’s none of anyone’s business to point out to her about her weight. And maybe that lady at the store loves what she is wearing.
Everyone has a story to tell. Some stories are hard to tell. Sometimes they don’t get told at all. So when we go judging to those people without knowing what their story is we look like fools. And guess what – judging others like that – is bullying.
We can never expect our children to not do something when we do it ourselves! Actions speak louder than words.
If you catch yourself or your child bullying (either through aggressive behavior or through hurtful words) make sure you bring attention to it and stop it immediately. Unfortunately hurtful comments get said all the time and no one thinks twice about it because they are things we are used to hearing. We really need to change our mindset! Rumors and gossip starts by one person sharing one mean/hurtful word. And rumors and gossip are a very real part of bullying!
So this week’s challenge is to look at the example that you are setting. Are you setting your child up to think that bullying is ok? Or are you teaching them that no one has the right to bully others?
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